Hungry2Live
Hungry2Live
H2L E.6 - From Trauma to Mama- Loss , Love and Positivity with Meghan Judge - Podcaster and Mother
On this weeks episode of Hungry2Live, Rachel speaks with Meghan Judge. Meghan’s story is anything but light. First the loss of her sister at the age of three, then the passing of her father at 13 and a nightmarish remarriage for her mom, when Meghan was 16; this human was undeniably dealt a hand that only few can handle and recover from. Well Meghan was reeling from all this trauma, her best friend died in her 20’s. Meghan tells her story of resilience, love and life on today’s show and her own podcast.
@judgingmeghan
Judgingmeghan.com
No, I
Speaker 2:Don't care,
Speaker 1:But they say I came here to stay
Speaker 2:Through the days. The must wasn't easy. Again. He never gave up cuz I, God God had Through the darkness, through the tears, turn the lights off, never give a
Speaker 3:Thank you for listening to another episode of hungry to live. I'm Rachel and I will be your host. As you know, I come from the lens of recovery and I, I live my life through always getting by and always looking for the next best thing because when I was going through my eating disorder, I never knew if I was gonna wake up in the morning and I am here today with this wonderful woman named Megan. And she has a great story, a story of inspiration and just a story of also getting through everyday life, which can be a struggle. So Megan, can you please share with the listener, your story?
Speaker 4:Hi, Rachel. Well, thank you so much for having me on. Um, and I am so sorry to hear that you also struggled with an eating disorder. I, I also did in my teens and early twenties and I know how difficult that is and um, I love what you're doing. I always love anybody. That's trying to spend spread positivity and like positive messaging in the world right now, especially the world that we live in. But, um, to answer your question. So my story is, um, I, it's kind of a long story, but I, I was brought into the, onto the planet, um, you know, normal for family four. There were, uh, two older sisters, a brother. My dad was an orthodontist. My mom was a homemaker. I grew up in Potomac, Maryland on the east coast. I'm now a lot an Angelina on, in living in Los Angeles for the past 20 years. Um, and uh, my mom gave birth to my sister. Like, you know, we were almost Irish twins. So 13 months after she had me and my sister was born with a rare liver disease. And so from the time she was born, my mom had to like change her colostomy bag. Um, she had to, my sister was in a, not of the hospital. They, they couldn't, she, her life expectancy was probably a year to three years tops. And so she had just had a surgery and my parents went, my mom went upstairs to find her one morning and she wasn't breathing. She was blue and she had passed away and I, my mom was feeding me at the time. So I was in my height chair. And that was kind of the beginnings of what became, uh, my battle with comp what I now know as complex PTSD. Um, you know, the, the first three years of your life is, um, when your brain fully develops. And if you have trauma in those first three years, it really can affect you for the rest of your life. And I learned that probably I'm in my forties now. So I learned that pretty recently. Um, then I went on to, you know, have a pretty good childhood, but had a lot of problems with like bad dreams and, um, you know, like not being able to sleep, I ha I had like, uh, night terrors, all that kind of stuff as a little girl. And, um, and then when I got, when I hit 12, my dad was, um, diagnosed with, um, leukemia and he was my whole world and he died nine months later, um, which was awful. And then my mom married, I hate telling this story cause it's like, and then, and then, and then, but then my mom ended up marrying this complete psychotic monster who, if they hadn't done the movie, the dirty John on Bravo TV, they, they probably, we could have cast my family as like a new episode of it because that's what he was. Um, and there was just a lot of, like, he was an alcoholic, he was abusive, it was really bad. And, um, and then moved into my twenties and lost my very best friend tragically. She, she died and tried. Um, so, uh, it's, it was a whole slew of stuff to get me to the point where I kind of like hit a boiling point, pre COVID with a really bad friend breakup. You're a woman, you know, how crappy women can be to each other. What do you talk? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, um, and I got to the point where I was suicidal and, um, and I decided one day when I was at the beach, I live at the beach in California, um, staring out the ocean. I was like, I don't wanna go on, I had my two little girls that I dreamed of my whole life and I'm happily married. And I got to this point where I was like, I'm done. And so I, instead of being done, I picked myself up and I, and I went on and now I live my life trying to help others. Just like, it seems like you do, that's in a nutshell. What, what happened?
Speaker 3:Well, I appreciate you condensing your story and I don't want to take your story away, away from you. So if there's any other details as we're talking that you want to share with the listener, please feel free. Um, I, I, what I took from you is that no matter how many things kept compounding onto each other and kept going and going and going, you were looking for that light of positivity. It didn't always bring you down, whereas something. So I, I don't even, I, I can't even put into words. I haven't had those experiences as you, however, it is. I could only imagine how challenging that it was just as a child to then have the, the PTSD that you spoke of, then losing a parent, then losing a best friend, and then having your own children in being in a moment where you're like, I just wanna give all of this up. And then having this realization that I have these, these two daughters, I've dreamed of always having these daughters and I wanna make it the best possible experience for them, despite the experiences I had before. So thank you for sharing all of that terms of what you do for yourself to find the positivity and positive moments throughout the struggle of life. Can you talk to that and what are things you do for yourself and for your children?
Speaker 4:Um, I would say I'm in therapy, so I, if I'm a podcaster and so, um, my therapist is reoccurring on my show and I'm a huge believer in therapy. I'm also a believer in like holding yourself accountable. Right? We all have stories. We all have crap we've been through in life. And I don't think any, there's no such thing as a perfect life. So I hold myself accountable for things that, you know, things happen to me, but my up in life is to do the work to heal. So I really actively do that, whether it be therapy or, you know, exercise like healthy exercise, um, not like overdoing it. Um, just trying to be the best mom. I can be the best wife I can be. Um, but I'm a work in progress just like everybody else. You know? So some days I have like really crappy days still and I fall down and then I have to pick myself up just like everybody else does. You know,
Speaker 3:I like this idea of holding yourself accountable and also admitting you yourself are a human. You have that days and you don't let that get you down and keep you down. You actually build upon those days and know that there are better days to come and even better moments. I know throughout different 12 step programs, it's taking it one moment at a time because you, how you feel right now, five minutes from now, you could feel completely D depending on what you're dealing with in your life. Um, one day at a time, one moment at a time, and that's a, that's an important mantra. Uh, I was also, while I was listening to you, it was really great for me to hear that. Going back to something that you had said previously, after I spoke about, um, having an eating disorder, you said that you had an eating disorder, and I think that this idea of control and wanting to control is, has played a part about your life because you had, you were so out of control with all of these different things that had happened to you and this abandonment that had happened to you. Um, can you tell the listener, talk with the listener about how this abandonment was throughout your life? I, I listened to your podcast and you had talked about how you would find yourself sitting in the closet, rocking back and forth. Can you talk about that a little bit?
Speaker 4:Yeah. That's actually like, you know what, it's interesting. I didn't remember that memory until pretty recently. Um, I've been doing the podcast for about two almost two years and it, all of a sudden, you know how it is in life, like weird memories hit you, you at weird times, you're like what? I don't remember that happening. And then it came back to me. So I think because I lost my sister so young, I always was scared that something was gonna happen to my mom or my dad. And I just knew it. I felt this like weird gut feeling. And I would, I had this big closet, which I, the way I wish I had now, it was this giant closet. And it had a really big doll house. And I loved going in there as a little kid, and I would play with my doll house. And, but it also brings back bad memories because I would hide in my closet. Like if something went bad, I would run in the closet. And we had, my parents would go on this vacation every year, like anywhere from like a week to 10 days usually. And, um, and I remember thinking when the babysitter came, like they, they might not come back. They might not come back and I would rock myself back and forth. And I would just like, pray because I grew up Catholic. You, you know, you have that Catholic, like, you just feel like you have to pray. You're, it's kind of like put in your head, like, pray, pray, pray. And I would just pray, like, please bring my parents back, please bring my dad back, please bring my mom back. And it's just so sad to think about it now, as in a, like, you know, I have kids, like I would die if I knew one of my, of kids felt that way. You know,
Speaker 3:It's, it's kind of like this idea of you sitting in your closet, RA rocking back and forth, praying it's your way of self-regulating and making sure like self soothing that like rocking motion is probably back when you were in your mom's stomach. Like that feeling of being inside, inside the wound. And it's amazing what little kids do and these ways that they have to cope with these larger feelings that they don't have the, the communication style or the verbiage to talk about
Speaker 4:A hundred percent. Yeah. A hundred percent.
Speaker 3:And I also found it really interesting when you were speaking, you talked about how you had like, this love, hate relationship with being in the closet. It brought back so many great memories because the dollhouse, but then it also brought back so many bad memories and it's like the juxtaposition of life, like life and death. Good and, and bad, happy and sad. And just that closet within itself is says so much about your experience on this planet, which is so crazy. Um, being a parent, what are some ways that you speak to your children about these larger issues that, um, they may, like, how, how do you take these larger issues that are usually dealt with by adults that you had experienced as a child and speak to your own children about?
Speaker 4:Um, I'm really, I I'm, I tread very lightly because I like, I I'm jealous of my children. They have a great life, you know, like, um, I'm not the best parent all the time. There's my husband. Like, nobody's perfect, but I'm always like, wow. Like I wish I had your life. You have a pretty, pretty good. So I'm really careful about what I talk about, but they do know, especially I have a 12 and an eight year old, both girls, they Bo they both do know like what I went through as a kid. And I try to tell them like, in small doses kind of, because I don't want them to be worried that like, something like that would happen to us or, you know, you have to be really careful. I know you're a teacher, how you talk to kids. Um, so I try to do that, but they do know, but I just try to tell them in, I, I can't tell you the exact ways that I've told them, but I've been, like, I've said like little things, like, you know, pop pop is we, my dad, I call'em pop, pop for them. He's in having like, you pray to, you know, he loved you. So they know, but I, it makes me sad to think. I don't really want them to know cause I don't want them to experience, like I know they will in life cuz everybody does, but I don't want them to experience any kind of pain before they have to, you know?
Speaker 3:No, for sure. And that's, that's so important in balancing that, especially as you even brought up the world that we're living in right now, there's so many things that need to be spoken about at the child's level of understanding because there is just so much going on and so much that they need to learn about, but digesting and processing at that a, you know, firsthand that it's not always that easy and depending on what it is that you're speaking about, you, you might, it might affect them long term. So your approach of treading lightly is probably a, is a really good way that you communicate with your children and communication is the key. So
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Um, so what would you recommend for any listener who may have similar traumas, losing a parent, um, losing a bullying, having just loss in general? Any, any advice you'd have for them?
Speaker 4:Well, I would say, I would say identify what your situation is, whether it be through therapy or reading or, um, just knowing like when you get to a point, like I was like, get help. There's there's a, there's a million resources. Um, so a college is, so if you can't afford therapy, I tell people, some of, I tell my listeners or I try to post about it, that there's always like therapists and training at colleges. So reach out that way. Um, but get help. Number one would be what I would tell people. And then also like figure out, like identify once you're in therapy or on your own, like what your situation is like for me, I know that I, I experience adverse childhood experiences. Um, I've done a lot of research on that. I've done a lot of research on like how the, it affects you long term in life. I on research on how to kind of like pivot and make changes. But number one, I would say if you are in like the darkest of places, which I think many, many human beings are right now ask for help and there are resources.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I, I, 100% agree. I mean, I have gone through many therapists groups, programs like, and I just recently was, um, told about going to a college. So thank you so much for letting the listener know about that because no matter how many programs one person has been in, they might not know all the different options and they therapist will work with you. And there's so many people out there who just want to help others. And so thank you for that. And
Speaker 4:I think too, sorry to, to, but like, um, you know, in the United States, like mental health should be free period. And like, don't get me started on it. Um, if it was like, we wouldn't have the problems with homelessness and the drug epidemic, like there, it would be so different for us. And um, so that's why I really try to say like reach out there are resources because there are, and I don't think that people realize that. And I think too, like, especially for men with, I talked to quite a bit, not, I, I, the majority of my guests happen to be women, which I'm sure you don't find shocking cuz women just, we talk, we talk about our problems. We that's just who we are, but men don't. And so I think like to break the stigma on like men talking about their issues and like how they're feeling, all of this stuff, I'm hoping is coming to a forefront.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And that's one of the reasons why I created the show is it's to talk about and have those conversations about stigmas taboos and the things we were told never to talk about because you are not that much older than I am. And I, it's just, it's amazing that even in that period of time, what has been provided to my age group versus your age group, but still the stigma around talking about mental health was it was still very hush hush. And it was almost a joke when I was in high school, which was about 15 years ago and they were, you're not supposed to say you're going, you're taking a mental health day, but that was when people just started to say it. And it became like part of the vernacular and it was more of a joke, but it really wasn't a joke because those people who were actually saying it were those people who understood the importance of taking that time for yourself and having, um, taking a day for your mental health, your mental health is so much a thing just like being physically sick, physically sick. And I'm not going to generalize that as something as being my mentally sick, but mental health is so important. And if your mental health isn't intact, the rest of everything within you is going to at some point catch up with your mental health.
Speaker 4:Well, I say this all the time. I mean, I'm like a broken record on my podcast. If you had a broken arm, right. You would go get a cast like some reason in, in our country specifically. And I'm million, I'm sure tons of other countries are like this too, but in the United States, it's just not acceptable to be like, I'm suffering. Like, you know, when I came out saying I was suicidal, which I was and I own it and I really could give, am I allowed to on this show, you
Speaker 3:Can do whatever you want. I
Speaker 4:Would re I really would. I don't give a rats what anybody thinks of me and I, you are younger than me. And I will tell you like the best gift that I've ever been given in my life is to just get to a point in my life when I came forward. And I, and I told like my truth where I'm like, I have nothing else to lose. So like, oh, well, you know, like this is my truth and I needed help. And, and, um, and so that's, it, that's actually a gift in itself.
Speaker 3:It's 100% a gift. And I'm so happy that you're sharing that because just you saying that speaking about your truths makes me connect more to my story. I sat on my story for 10 years before I published my book. And then I still waited three years after the book was published to even start talking about it out loud and hear myself tell the story. So, because of people like you, you are inspiring so many people to first accept what their story is, then tell their story and then be okay with who, like not caring what other people think because who cares. It's not their story. It's your story. So I just wanna say thank you so much for sharing that. No,
Speaker 4:Thank you. I love what you're doing. I can't wait to have you on my podcast. Cause I just, I love what you're doing. I think it's amazing.
Speaker 3:Thank you. So as you know, this podcast is called hungry to live. Um, before I get into this, I want you to share your socials with the listener.
Speaker 4:Okay. So my socials are, you can find me@judgingmegan.com and it's J U D G I N G. Megan is with an H um, that's my website and my Instagram is at judging Megan, same thing. Um, and those are, I I'm so old. I don't understand what TikTok is. I have a TikTok account, but I'm like, I can't point to a bunch of words and I don't understand it. And nor do I want have any time to try and learn it. It's too complicated. So those are like the main places that you can find me.
Speaker 3:No worries. I, I don't know TikTok either. Actually on my first episode, I had somebody who is an influencer who has 1.9 million followers on TikTok. And I still have zero idea about any of it. And I also don't wanna learn. So if you need a babysitter, I can come watch your kids. The three of us can figure it out and we'll teach you.
Speaker 4:Yeah, that's so funny. I just don't think I need any more social media in my life. That's kind of how I feel.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you for sharing your socials. Mine a is, um, hungry dot the number two.live for Instagram and then hungry the number two live.com. Please subscribe to my podcast. And also you can subscribe to my blog and my website, but you will get all the updates. And before we wrap up, number one, I'm gonna ask you answer a question and then I'm gonna, after you answer the question, I always have a poem for all my guests. Um, I that's actually what my book is. My book is a collection of poetry about my, um, recovery through the eating disorder, but I write a poem a about all my guests. So I'm gonna have you sit and listen to the poem and that'll be that. So here's my last question. What makes you hungry to live?
Speaker 4:Um, helping others. I love helping other people. I, I, it just makes me happy. It like fills my soul and being a mom and a wife. All right. I like my husband sometimes too.
Speaker 3:That was short and sweet. That was in the nutshell, like your life story was in a nutshell. So thank you so much. That was, that was a good bookend for both
Speaker 4:Circle.
Speaker 3:All right. So I'm going to read this poem. And before that, I just wanna thank the listener again. Thank you so much. You're listening to Megan, judge. She has a podcast judging Megan, and this is Rachel and the podcast you're listening to is called hungry to live. And here is the poem for you. First, her sister, then her dad, the loss of a loved one is always sad. One day after she laid her father to rest, she met Julie, the friend she labeled best, all this grief by her early teens. Then her mom married someone very mean suppressing the feelings of two deaths. Megan proclaimed herself, a hot mess sent away to boarding school, hoping she would follow rules. We turned home and then off to LA LA land. Her site set on a little gold man. The city was tough and temptation high confidence lost in the last goodbye to her best friend, Julie, another tragedy in her twenties, another death. When will this ever end? Megan tells her story, mental health, trauma, and loss to help others see and feel kindness even when paradise seems lost. Thank you so much, Megan. And thank you for listening to live.
Speaker 4:That was beautiful. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3:Thank you.
Speaker 5:In Laura, down on my luck there with dog days, how to switch it up, make it okay. So I gave up on the right race. Learn from a pastor man days still got time. Never too late.
Speaker 1:No, I don't
Speaker 5:Care.
Speaker 1:But they say
Speaker 5:I came
Speaker 1:Here to stay
Speaker 5:Through
Speaker 2:The days. The masteries wasn't easy. Again. He never gave up Kaza. God, God, God have
Speaker 1:Through
Speaker 2:The darkness through the tears. Turn the lights off face. Never give a OSA.
