Hungry2Live
Hungry2Live
Ep.17 H2L - College Sports, Mental Health and getting the help you need with Sydney Freidin
On today’s episode, Rachel speaks with Sydney Freidin. This episode is #1, in a two part interview. Sydney was a previous NCAA athlete. Her career ended when she had to go on medical leave. After multiple surgeries, and stints in eating disorder treatment centers; Sydney, a close friend of the late Katie Meyer of Stanford, speaks openly about the mental health crisis in college sports.
@Sydney Freidin
No, I
Speaker 2:Don't care,
Speaker 1:But they say
Speaker 2:I
Speaker 1:Came here to stay
Speaker 2:Through the days. The most is wasn't lazy kid. He never gave up cuz I got God, God, the darkness, turn the lights.
Speaker 3:Hi and welcome to another episode of hungry to live. My name is Rachel and today I have the pleasure of speaking with Sydney. Sydney was a gymnast for the NCAA and has had to overcome a plethora of anxieties in regards to her gymnastics and self image and self love and all of those things. So I want to introduce Sydney. Hi Sydney.
Speaker 4:Hi. How are you?
Speaker 3:I'm doing well. Thank you so much for being here.
Speaker 4:Of course. I'm so happy to be a part of this.
Speaker 3:I am so happy to share your story. Um, as the listener knows, I come from a background and a lens of recovery through the eating disorder and I know that is something we have in common and without any further ado, I would love for you to tell the listener your story.
Speaker 4:Yeah. So my story is kind of goes in a lot of different directions, but I'll start from where I guess makes the most sense. Um, I grew up doing gymnastics. I did it my whole entire life from three to when I medically retired in 2019. So you do the math a lot of years<laugh> um, and it was basically everything I knew. Um, if anyone here is listening knows about gymnastics, we don't really have social life. So I really didn't know anything besides the gym and was very isolated from the world and all that it had to offer, which now I get the pleasure of exploring, but I really didn't have that until I finished college gymnastics. And I grew up doing the sport, like I said, um, gymnastics and club gymnastics is more like a job than it is a fun after school hobby. And unfortunately I got put in the hands of some people that really shouldn't be coaching children to say the least, and really did not set me up very well for my future. And didn't really care about me as a human. I was just their reputation and that was really all that mattered to them. If I did good, they liked me. If I didn't do good, they didn't like me. And that was, that was about it. Um, as clear cut as you could probably get. And at the age of 16 and a half, I ended up moving gyms because I could not be there any longer. It was just mentally not safe for me to be there. And I ended up moving actually to Chris Waller's gym, Jim jam out in Simi valley or out there. And I had an eye opening experience to say the least. I mean, they were American coaches. He's a dad and just very, I had Eastern European coaches who grew up very differently than I did. And I very vividly remember the first day that I was there. Um, one of the first coaches that I met, who I still talk to to this day and he's amazing, his name is kale and he, um, I had a mental block on vault and I didn't know what else to do besides cry cuz at the gym I was at, you weren't allowed to speak. So I just cried. I couldn't, I couldn't communicate my words and what was going on. And I remember him pulling me to the end of the runway and I'm thinking of, he's gonna yell at me. This is it. He's gonna yell. And he came over and he looked at me and he goes, you're not gonna vault until you smile. I stood there for many days. I, I did not, I did the fake smile. He was like, no, that doesn't count. Um, and I feel like that was the first time in my life really. And I was 17 by almost 17 by that point. But gymnastics became fun again. And I also had to get major Cal surgery. I had compartment syndrome in both of my legs at the same time. So I had bilateral Fasio autotomies on both calves at the same time when I was almost 17. Um, I was out of gym for quite some time and did the kind of zigzag try to come back, try to not come back. And at this time I had just committed to U of a university of Arizona where I did gymnastics in college and I had a scholarship at that point and due to this injury, it got taken away. And that was really hard for me to sit with knowing that I had done everything in my power and worked so hard and this injury was completely out of my control. It wasn't something that happened in an instance. Um, it was a buildup over time and we really dunno what caused it. So that was really challenging to have to still maintain that, want to come back and want to be there when something that felt really out of control was taken away from me. And regardless of the point, I always really loved Jim and I knew I wanted to go. So I came back on two events and in the summer of 2017, which is when I went to school and went to college, you come in, they changed the rules a little bit now, but at the time we would come in and train in the summer and I was a freshman coming in. So we would come in in July, we would live in a separate set of dorms. And then during the fall we would switch to a new set of dorms. Um, and we lived primarily with athletes during the summer. We lived with girls on our team, which I don't recommend doing, but we did, we didn't have a choice. And my roommate and I who ironically are best friends now, like she's my ride or die person, but we hated each other. And I didn't know it at the time, but I was knee deep in needing disorder that I had no clue was going on. And um, we lived in Arizona, that's very hot in the summer and I always turned the air off because I was cold and she was always hot. And so we would get into arguments about the air conditioning and you know, looking back now, I'm like, oh, that would've been a really big red flag of someone, you know, could have picked up on it, but no one did. And I was just the kid who like, I really didn't like to go out and party. That just wasn't my thing. And the girls in my class, that was their thing. And so I became super isolated from them and to say they weren't very nice as an understatement. And that at that point I was still trying to heal from surgery and get back all of my skills. I was trying to socially fit into a school that has 28,000 undergrad and I, my high school class had 54 kids in it. So I, it was culture shock among culture shock. And I didn't really know anyone. And I went to the coach who was not the current coach there. Um, and I explained to her that, you know, what was going on with these girls and she didn't really do anything about it. And at that point, I guess, all I felt like I could control was what went into my mouth and that was food. And I've always been like this, but when I get stressed or really emotional, I don't eat. That's just kind of how I've always been as a kid. And so I didn't really think anything of it and I didn't pick up that it was going on and no one else picked up about what was going on. My parents were in a different state, the athletic trainer, I love her to pieces. And honestly she hands down saved my life. But at this point, no one picked up on it and that was kind of it. I just struggled through my freshman year. Uh, it was, it was a rough rough year and height of my eating disorder, for sure. And at, at the beginning of the school year, they do a body comp test and they don't tell you the numbers because people get eating disorders from them. I think their point know really what they are supposed to like benefit from, but they do it anyways and they tell you not to look and it's like green, red, yellow. I'm like, I can tell what green, red, yellow, I know what you know, it's not that hard. Um, so they do it at the beginning of the year. They do it at the end of the year to see kind of where your body tracks and go meaning for next year and whatever. And they did that for me and the one at the end of the year. And the one at the beginning of the year were not in close range and not in a good way. So my athletic, the, the dietician slash nutritionist, I, I can't remember which one he was, they are different. So don't quote me on that. They're very different. And he told my trainer and my trainer said, Sydney, we to have a meeting with you and you need to come into this office with this doctor. I walked into this room, there's a doctor, a psychiatrist, a therapist. Um, my trainer, my coach wasn't there just like six people sitting there. And I walked in, I had no clue what was about to happen. And he said, Sydney, you need to sit down. Um, we have these results and they're very concerning. And we are diagnosing you with anorexia anorexia Neosa excuse me. And we need to have a conversation right now and you need to call your mom. And I was like, are you kidding? Like just, I didn't even know what to think. It's probably one of the worst phone calls I have ever had with my mom, probably ever. And she was crying. Then I made the doctor talk to her cause I couldn't hold it together. Um, and at that point, the season was done. I wasn't doing gym as much. Like everything was pretty, it's optional, mandatory, whatever that it's not really optional, but, um, I wasn't going into the gym as much. And I had to finish the school year. It was April by this point. And my mom actually came and lived with me for a month and a half. We lived in a hotel room together and she made all my food and it was, uh, 10 out of 10 do not recommend situation. Um, but at the time it was what needed to happen. I just wasn't stable enough to be by myself. And I mean, it kept me stable. I don't think it really worked too much. I mean, it still kept going. So there was that. And I saw a nutritionist there that U of a sent me to, they made me go, I was not happy about it, but they made me go see her. And for anyone who doesn't know a nutritionist and a dietician are on very different spectrums, a nutritionist, you don't have to have a specific degree to be a nutritionist. You don't have to have specific education. You don't have to have clinical hours. There's a lot of things you don't have to do to become a nutritionist. And which is why, in my opinion, diet culture is so flawed because we have so many people who are nutritionist, but they don't go to school. Um, and a dietician, you have to go to three years of grad school, you have to have thousands of hours, super different, especially in the eating disorder world. Um, they're like a night and day difference. And for someone who didn't really know at that time that they had an eating disorder, I thought she knew what she was talking about. Looking back. She definitely had no clue what she was talking about. And she would tell me like all of my numbers and just really things that weren't helpful. And honestly probably made things worse, looking back. And I came back my sophomore year and I thought I was, I thought I was smooth sailing. I had the best season of my life. I competed 13 meets back to back on two events, competed at PAC twelves. You know, I, I had a great year. I enjoyed my year. And it's interesting cuz I talk to my treatment team now and they're like, you were romanticized that so much. Like it wasn't that great. You just, those feelings of adrenaline that on the mat feel like the heightened epitome of your career are so short, but they take up so much room and that's what we work for. You know, no one would drive theirself into the ground. If it wasn't worth something. And the end of the year, I completely crash and burned. So if anyone has ever had an eating disorder, you know, or if you don't know, you normally go up, up, up and it gets, it's almost like a high. And then, and then you crash. There's no plateau. It just tanks. And for me, that happened at the very end of my sophomore year. I got told the ultimatum by my parents, by my team, um, my athletic trainer, people at U of a, it was either quit, Jim, you're done or you need to go to treatment. And they convinced me, convinced me that there's multiple levels of care for eating disorder treatment. There's inpatient, which is in a hospital. There is residential, which is in a house that you go and live at and you have 24 7 care there's partial hospitalization, which is technically in an outpatient facility, but you're there basically eight hours a day. So you basically live there but sleep somewhere else. And there's outpatient. Um, so there's many different levels of care, normally PHP, which is the partial hospitalization. You're there for a couple months. And just to convince me to go, they just told me you'll be there for a week. Like you don't need to worry about it. It's just a maintenance thing. And I was like, okay, fine. I'll go. You convinced me whatever I wanted to do, Jim, that was, you know, in my head, Jim was all that mattered, which I'll get to it later. But I really wish someone had been there to speak up for me and maybe say that, you know, Jim, wasn't the healthiest place for me to be. But school psychiatrist goes to get you to compete. It's not to get you to be a safe human who's living their best life. Um, unfortunately, and so I was there not for one week<laugh> I was there the entire summer. I was there from may. I took my finals early. I left school two weeks early. I went home, took my, took my finals, went home, started the next day. Right as I got home, um, I walked in very first day and to anyone who knew me back then, I'm really sorry.<laugh> I wasn't the nicest person, but you're really not yourself when you're not in a state of nourishment. And I walked in, I told them exactly what was going on. I told them all of my gymnastics history, which isn't the best and with a straight face, no smile, no emotion, no nothing. And they looked, I still, I still talk to my therapist who, who said this to me, but she looked at me like I had lost my mind. And she was like, do you realize what you just said? And I was like, that's just what gymnastics it's, that's just normal. And to me it was because unfortunately it's, but you know, she doesn't live in that world. So she thought I was out of my mind and you don't realize how many things are disordered. Even if you one don't have an eating disorder two, when you do have an disorder, no one tells you and you go to treatment and then your eyes are opened crazy. It's I didn't even realize how many things I had picked up at home and how many things I had picked up in the gym or from friends or from the internet who even knows where, um, and it was an eye opening experience. And I was there the whole summer. I trained while I was there off and on. So I could go back to do gym at school. I missed summer training at school cause I was at in treatment. And then I went back in the fall. My body had changed a lot because I wasn't training 30 hours a week. I was eating a lot more than I'd been eating before. And I suddenly had hormones.<laugh> when you're a gymnast, a lot of the time you don't really go through puberty. So even though I got a period when I was however old 14 at my body did not change. And so this influx of hormones that came with more body fat, my body kind of was didn't really know what was going on. And it changed so dramatically within the period of three months, whereas puberty over the last years. But because I hadn't experienced that, it just smacked me in the face. And so when I went back to school, my gymnastics was extremely different. It was scary. I didn't know where I was in the air. I felt different than everyone else. Things that people would talk about would trigger me. That used didn't used to trigger me. I was more tired than normal. I had so much wor awareness of my feelings that I did. I was so numbed out prior that I couldn't even process what was going on. And it got to the point in October where I had a new dietician from treatment who very much is ed educated, eating disorders, a new therapist. My, my coaches and my dietician therapist pulled me out. They said, this is not safe for you to do gymnastics anymore. And I had to beg U of a, to pay for them because they wanted to send me back to that other nutritionist. And when I came back to school, I was like, you want me to recover? You want me to compete? How the heck do you want me to do that? If you're gonna send me to her. And it, it took a lot of convincing for them to do that. And I say this all the time, it was a lose, lose situation. I'm gonna be mad at them. If you pull me and I can't do Jim, and I'm gonna be mad if you let me go and I get hurt, no one was winning, but I am very grateful that in the end I had a treatment team who could see that one day. I would thank them for not letting me get hurt and be mad at them then. And so I stopped being in the gym in October, was a manager then completely was out of the gym in December. And I had a major identity crisis that really I'm still trying to work through. Um, I didn't really have anything else. And now I was just in school and all my friends were practicing and I didn't have other friend. So I didn't really know what to do with myself. And so my eating disorder was like, Hmm, I can be your little helper buddy. And that just took a spike down. And so I ended up taking a gap semester my junior year because it just was not working. I came home, um, tried to figure out life COVID happened once the pandemic started, things were okay. And then they really weren't. Okay. And trying to, if any former athlete knows what it feels like to try to find exercise in a healthy way after you quit division one sports it's so, so challenging because also gymnastics, you can't go do gymnastics outside. You could go play basketball, but gymnastics just kind of ends. And we train in a very different way that you can't go and replicate in a workout gym. And so trying to find the balance of what's healthy amount of exercise and my body trying to re acclimate it's, it's a really big challenge for any D one athlete who knows what, even not D one athlete, anyone who retires from a sport, there's a huge learning curve. And I had to figure that out and then I didn't figure it out.<laugh> and I wound up in treatment again and I did residential treatment. Then I did partial hospitalization and I, so I did the whole entire thing and I was there for probably six months about, and then I<laugh> just to add on top of it. I have congenital hip dysplasia in both of my hips. I was born with it. Didn't know I was had it until I was 17. And then because of it in college, I tore a bunch of things because you know, too much, too much force on one bone, one joint, and I couldn't get surgery till I was done with Jim. That was the agreement. And I couldn't get surgery until my eating sort was under control. Cause it wasn't safe. So right. The day after I left treatment, the next morning I had surgery on my hip, I had two surgeries. One was an arthroscopic surgery and one was what's called a Pao. And it took me a really long time to recover from probably like I was on crutches for three and a half months. It was a long or a deal. Took me a really long time to get back to normal. Again, things got better and then they didn't. Um, and this time it was really different because I was convinced I was fine. I didn't wanna go back to treatment. And I didn't really wanna be there when I was there. So I spent a lot of time there, not really doing anything, but I was physically there. And to be honest, this time was probably the most effective because I really struggled. And I know that's hard to hear for a lot of athletes that sometimes you have to let yourself struggle and you just can't be perfect because we grow up and they tell us everything has to be on the money. Every time you're expected to replicate almost like a robot. And honestly, that's what got me into treatment. If the food wasn't perfect, it wasn't worth eating. If I didn't my body, wasn't the way I wanted it to look. It wasn't worth eating if I, whatever X, Y, Z. And that really hurt me. And it wasn't until this round of treatment, which was from October of last year to March of this year. So I got out of treatment about two months ago and I actually had another surgery on the other hip. So we're in recovery from that. But, um, still on crutches, there're sitting on there.<laugh> and, um, but I really kind of leaned into not trying to put on the face that I was this perfect client that I could go in, eat a hundred percent of my food and not exercise and sit down and say, I feel sad. Well, I never felt sad because I didn't let it surface. And I think it's a huge problem in athletics. It's why we see all of these deaths all over the news. Cuz you can say you're sad. That's great. But if you don't feel sad, that's never, it's not gonna come out. And, and that's the consequence, unfortunately. Yeah. So that was a very long winded story. But that is
Speaker 3:Honest. Honestly, I just wanna say thank you because even telling part of that story would have been enough, but it's not enough because that is your whole story. And that is why you wanted to be on this podcast to share your entire story. And while I've never been a division one athlete, um, I could resonate with so many things you said having grown up playing sports, which was probably the catalyst. I would let me take that back a little bit. Having grown up, playing sports, cheerleading and dancing, putting all of those together by no means my a gymnast. But there was a way that you view your body in certain areas of each thing and how it made you feel. And then you start to realize that the routines and practices that you were doing for the sport or the dance kind of goes back to also what you're eating because you need that food for fuel. But then you start to realize without knowing that if you do so much of exercise, then you can actually eat whatever you want. Because when you're growing, your body's burning it way faster than when you are an adult. And looking back on certain things that I had done, it's, it's just, it's phenomenal how your bodies can bounce back. But getting back to what you were talking about about the ups and downs, like you, you said it great. You said that you will just numb out. And this is one of those things, eating disorders and food addiction, whether you are a restrictor or a binger food is the drug. And just like alcohol, just like weed, just like any hard drug, you take the drugs to numb out to escape food is what we use to escape. And when you're not eating it, you completely don't have any feeling because your body's so undernourished that you can't feel the feelings that you want to feel. And then you, your, you talk about this idea of isolation and you said isolation. I believe three times I was, I was sitting here counting when you were talking. And I was like, having an eating disorder is one of the most isolating things you can have because for so long, even if you don't consciously know that you are in the disorder itself, the disordered eating is one of the most isolate. Once you realize that that's where you are and you're trying to get help. That is one of the most isolating things because now your secret is out. And now what you thought you had control over, which is controlling you is this thing that other people are now trying to control. And you're like, I just want that isolation back. I just want what I think I had originally when you really didn't have it. And it is, it it's insane. And like the ups and downs that come with it, the, you talked about the hormones. That is like, it's a huge thing. Like that was not my issue, but my, I had a similar issue and I'm like, we can just go for it. Since you already talked about it. I was in my mid twenties and I completely lost my period and like to be in my mid twenties and lose my period, that freaks me out. Cause I was like, I've had it since I was 12 and now I don't have it. Like, am I pregnant? Like how is this even like a thing? And it's something that isn't talked about and it's so important because this idea and this diet culture that you brought up, it's, who's the smallest who looks the best in this bathing suit, who looks good in this dress. What do you have a thigh gap? Like these stupid, irrelevant things that really don't matter. But to have all those things more than likely you are going to do something to your body that is so unnatural that you don't realize it's happening or going to happen because you're so far into it. And so I'm really thankful that you brought that up because bringing that to the attention of the listener, like there's so many people around us that are struggling with this disease. And that's the thing is that it's a disease. And I, I love that you started to talk about mental health. Like this is, I never realized how much of a mental health issue it was until COVID. I, I checked myself into an intensive outpatient program during COVID and I thought I was pretty, I, I was doing it as a, as to help me before it got bad again. But I think that it's so important of to have the awareness that there are people in doing this in isolation and this is what they are doing to cope with whatever they're coping with. And there are more, not just women, but it is, it is starting to grow in the male population, especially because of social media and wanting to look a certain way. And it's, it's just incredible. And I just wanna say, thank you so much. Um, so you talked about triggers and how your triggers and emotions kind of just like inflated all of a sudden when you started to feel more like yourself. Can you talk about that? Cuz I think it's so important for the listener to understand like this word trigger is a buzzword now, but triggers within eating disorders. I I've said this on another episode. Um, food addiction is the only addiction that if you stop, you die, every other addiction you stop to live. But when you're triggered by food and then you're triggered by looking at somebody else and comparing your body to somebody else's body, it's a whole other, like it's, it's almost unexplainable unless if you've been through it. So I would love for you to talk about that.
Speaker 4:Yeah. And really quick before I, I talk about that word, cuz that is a loaded, that is a loaded word. Um, but also just jumping off of what you said about eating disorders and comparing your body and all of these things. For me, a lot of mine didn't stem from any way that I looked, it had literally nothing to do with how I looked. It was, I was trying to get back to compete. I wanted my leg to be healthy and because I was getting better at gymnastics and I wasn't eating as much, I had convinced myself that I was healthier. And since I was only putting clean foods, which is called orthorexia for those who don't know, I connected the dots that clean slash, which is not clean because it was not healthy for me and my gymnastics getting better were together. And that was just not the case. But since my brain had connected those dots, they never unconnected and still I'm working on unconnecting them. And for those reasons there, besides just how you look, there are so many reasons why eating disorders develop. And I was really good at telling myself I don't have an eating disorder because if I don't care about how I look and that's just not true that you can have eating disorders for so many different reasons. And back to that word trigger, I think going into treatment the very first time was someone had pulled my chair out from under me. And I just felt like I fell flat on my face and all of these emotions suddenly that I had repressed for so long, not even in college. My, I honestly, I probably repressed them more as a kid because of the environment that I was in. I was told my period was horrible. I, I was ashamed to tell people, I had a period, the girls weren't getting it till it was, they were 18, 19. The doctor was having to like put them on birth control to have them get their periods. And I was told that getting your period meant you were a woman and gymnastics idolized, the Creepys prep ex idolize the pre's pre-pubescent body. And so anything with secondary sex characteristics still is extremely hard for me because I was told my entire life, you can't look that way. That way makes you a bad G gymnast. You're not gonna be good if you're, if you have boobs, you're not gonna be good. If you have a period, if you look somewhat like a normal human who girl who has gone through puberty, normal functioning body, um, told to eat chicken the size of my hand. And that was it like just ridiculous farfetched things that I had suppressed so much. And I didn't even know where they are until I went to treatment. And I, all of a sudden had to talk about my feelings and what people with eating disorders or people who think they have eating disorders and may be questioning it. You don't realize is once you start eating, I always say the food goes in, the feelings come out every single time. And you think like, oh, you're just eating. You're just gonna nourish yourself. And that's it. That's the easiest part. The easiest part is eating. The hardest part is dealing with everything that comes up after and kind of what you said in, in regards to mental health, as much as you can just have an eating disorder, you normally don't struggle with just one type of mental health issue. They're often very co-occurring because they don't stem from one thing you normally aren't just anxious. I didn't think I was depressed because I was doing everything. I was going to class doing gym and I was just very high functional. And so treatment was the wake up call. And when I walked back into the gym, after the first round of treatment and I had a lot of girls on my team who also struggled with eating disorders that were not diagnosed, weren't talked about weren't, you know, they didn't know what was going on, but I knew when I walked back into that gym, because I was like, oh, I did that. And the conversations we talked about, I could no longer talk about with them because it, it made me feel like I was gonna have a panic attack, cuz you're asking me how many, how much like energy you burn when you go on the bike, you know, like, why are you asking me that? Just cuz you know, I have an eating disorder cuz at this point my team knew, cause I didn't come back. And so I think this word trigger, it's something that one I really appreciate when people use, especially on social media, because I think right now there is so much that if you're not ready to process and someone just throws it at you, who even knows what it's gonna bring up for you. And also just in the realm of eating disorders, a lot of people, which is so toxic post before and after pictures, even if it's in an inspirational, you know, I was here and now I'm here and I'm doing so well. Why do you need to show me what you looked like before? Because in eating disorder, it is not based on your size, your weight, what your body looks like, your BMI, which is ridiculous. And just, I could have a rant about that in itself for 45 minutes. But um, and eating disorder is not based on how you look, you can't tell if someone was walking down the street and say you have an eating disorder, you just can't. And so for people who may not be in a smaller body or have thin privilege to then look at those and think, well, my body doesn't look like that. So does that mean like I don't have an eating disorder and also for those people who are recovering and feel like there is an eating disorder as an identity, I used it as an identity. When I left gym, it was my safety blanket. I didn't have anything else. So I was gonna have that. I was gonna have an eating disorder. Let me tell you. And I did. And I used that safety blanket and when I was, and I'm still in recovery, you know, I, in a sense missed some of it. Like there is a piece that makes you feel safe. You don't engage in these behaviors. If it doesn't give you anything mm-hmm<affirmative>. And so part of me, it, I missed not feeling dysregulated all the time. I missed not going to the table and crying about food. I missed getting to work out and not having to think about, okay, I'm gonna go into session next week. And my therapist is gonna say this and, and I have all these things lined up and I'm gonna lose this. And people know, people know now and it's not just me. And I think you touched on a very important thing. You, when you have an eating disorder, when you have any sort of alcoholism, when you have a drug addiction, you think you're in control. You are not, you are not in any control, you're eating disorder, your drug of choice, alcohol, whatever it is, is running your life. And you don't realize that until someone else knows. And then you're like, cuz they take it all away. And then you're like, oh shoot.
Speaker 3:Well, it's called a, it's called a disease. Because if you take away, if you break apart the word it's dis disease, there's something in your life that isn't easy for you. So you're using something else to make it easier or to cope with. And I actually learned that in an AA meeting<laugh> which I sat in with another friend. And it's just, it's just so interesting. As you said, there's, co-occurring um, things that are happening within an eating disorder and I didn't mean to cut you off. I just, that was like a perfect like segue into that. And um, as you were talking, I was, I was writing. So just briefly I wanted to talk about, you said orthorexia and orthorexia is pretty new in, in this realm of eating disorders where you pick and choose kind of like, um, it's like those, I don't wanna compare it to, to this, but like kind of like a fad diet where you, you uh, elimination diet. So I'm not gonna eat gluten because gluten makes me feel like there's inflammation, which 100% could be the case, but then, oh, now I'm not gonna do dairy, but you start to realize that these behaviors of cutting out or restricting something is actually part of the Eden disorder within itself. And I started to realize that that was something I was doing without having any knowledge that that was an actual now diagnosable disease. And it it's just so interesting how, when you talk to somebody who has been in a similar situation that all of these things it's, it's like a community, like we can build a whole community around this. However, I also wanted to really quickly, um, touch upon that you, you said, um, there was something about the culture, not just the diet culture, but this culture of, you know, now when you walk into a place and people and you're triggered or had been triggered by people talking about certain things they ate or certain reps that they did and all those things, because we'd normalized this idea that it's okay to talk about that stuff without actually normalizing the idea that there's people in recovery and that's the, that's the piece that's missing. And I think that having these conversations while we're not trying to be over sensitive about the topic, we just want people to understand, like if the tables were turned and somebody said something that was offending them personally, like we're still going back to that place where we have to isolate and keep those feelings repressed, which is part of the eating disorder because
Speaker 4:Right. And I think the main reason that I reached out and really wanted to talk about this because I'm, I'm learning now that really my eating disorder is a part of me. It's not me. It, we are separate entities. Mm-hmm<affirmative>. And at one point I couldn't, I couldn't figure that out. And I'm very aware that, you know, right now when I go in to meet someone, I'm not gonna tell them I have an eating disorder. That's not the interest. That's the least interesting thing about me. But if it comes up, I'm not ashamed to talk about it. It's a topic of conversation. And I think that's what needs to be happen, happen around all these mental health things. It doesn't have to be the first thing you tell someone, and also you should be able to have a normal conversation about it and not feel a sense of shame or disconnect or hush, hush. And it's super interesting. I actually, I always, I always wanna lie when people ask me what I majored in, in school because I majored in nutrition ironically, but it was for good reason. I went in as a nursing student and the nursing department told me I couldn't do nursing in gymnastics. And nutrition has all the same prerequisites for grad school as nursing. So that was the only reason I switched, but people find it very ironic now that, you know, have all these issues with food. But, um, one day I was sitting at a cafe right around the corner from my house with a friend who I had been in treatment with. We were chatting with these guys, um, who were like war veterans who had all been in some sort of trauma group together. So what we started going back and forth, they were like 85 and you know, we were not, and there was one guy and he was, he must have been like 25 30. And they were asking what we majored in school. And I said, I was like, oh, do I say psychology today? Or do I say nutrition? And I was like, they're offering us donuts. I'll say nutrition. And the, the young guy who looked like he must go to the gym every second of the day was like, oh, oh, you get it right. Nutrition. Like no carbs for you, blah, blah, blah. And going on, like going back and forth, I wasn't responding obviously. And he was a stranger, so it didn't need to come up. And I just kind of was moved the conversation. But I think it is really important that when it's someone in your life who is making those comments, it's a piece of education. It's not, it doesn't need to be mean. It doesn't need to be condescending. It doesn't need to be out of ignorance. People just don't know. And I mean, if you walked outside, I could guarantee you would see six ads for it without even trying to see anything, you don't have to go looking for it. It's everywhere. And so, like you said, there are so many things we do not even people with eating disorders. I would go out on a limb and say 75% of this country disordered eating mm-hmm<affirmative>. I mean, from, I grew up in a very orthorexic household. So I, I had, but it wasn't, it was because I was an athlete and my coaches thought carrots had too many sugar, too much sugar in it. I was told grapes had too much sugar that I, it was just the, the, they brought in a nutritionist one time. She said the word bread. And my coach kicked her out of the gym and was screaming and yelling. It was just a whole nightmare. So there was always this concept around food for me that like bread was bad. This was bad. That was bad. And so inherently, you know, you develop this mindset, whether it's diet culture, whether it's a coach, whether it's your parents, whether it's friend and at a young age, you absorb that and you believe that it's true. And I thought eating with really small utensils. I was like, I just like to do that. And I went into treatment and they were like, are you kidding me right now? Like, you're not allowed to do that. Or like over salting your food. Like, there's so many things that people just, you don't realize, cuz that's just what you're taught. And so I think it's really important right now, especially being that this is all over the news, not just eating disorders and unfortunately orthorexia isn't in the DSM five yet, but it definitely is a diagnosable eating disorder is a hundred percent. If you struggle with that, that it is real. It's a thing. And it's very harmful, goes hand in hand with over exercising. It's not a diagnosable eating disorder. I live that one. I am thankful very far removed from that. I'm very grateful for it. And also it's addicting and it's really hard cycle to get out of when you start eating more too. So they like are very not, they don't go together super well. Mm-hmm<affirmative> um,
Speaker 3:So I wanted to actually say, I wanna bring you back and talk about the over exercising, cuz I also dealt with that. And what that is called is, um, at least for me, they diagnosed that as exercise bulimia, which I didn't know was a thing. I was like, no, I'm not bulimic, but clearly I was, I was purging in some way and it was through exercise. So I, 100% want you to come back and talk about that topic. Cause I think it's so important. But before we wrap up, I know that you had, because you were an NCAA athlete and you know about everything that's happening in the news, you keep mentioning the news, the news I wanted to ask, what is some saying? Some advice you can give to student athletes because of all of the, all the suicides and the mental health crisis that is in college. Um, athletics right now. What is some positive advice you can give to them?
Speaker 4:Yeah, I think right now the news is filled with a lot of negative things and Katie Meyer who's passed away, um, a little over two months ago now May 1st or May 1st, excuse me, March 1st. Um, I've known her since I've been before I've been born. Her parents were my parents' wedding. Um, she's an extremely close family friend of mine. So the news hits really close and it's something that hits the news for two weeks and people forget about it. And unfortunately, if you are an immediate member of that circle, you don't forget about it. And I think something that I really would push, not only student athletes, but just anyone who's struggling with mental health is that it's okay to speak up. And I always, um, I talk about it all the time, but you know, sometimes I forgot Katie played soccer like in my head, Katie was just good at soccer. She just, she just like happened to play soccer at San and she was pretty cool and that was about it. Um, but like, I didn't know her. I knew her first as just Katie and that girl is wild and crazy and loud and wise beyond her ears. And so smart and intelligent. And that's what people remember. They don't remember your sport. They don't remember your sport. They remember your silly, goofy, like they just remember your inherent personality and what you walked into a room and what you could give people. And that means more than any, any sport, any accolade. And if it means that coming forward and, and sharing to someone maybe makes them think, you know, like maybe the sport isn't the right place for you to be right now. It is really hard in the moment. And I so badly wish more athletic providers could see that you don't need to treat someone to get them back out onto a mat or onto a court or out on a field. You treat them. So you're a human and that's the most important thing. And I don't, I think that's what I really wish someone would've told me going in is that people want to hear your voice. People want to know you're okay. And just saying you're okay. People, unfortunately won't dig. They just won't. And it's a business at the end of the day. I always tell people that it's a business. You know, like I make money for them. That's what I did. And it sucks. And also you are a human and you deserve to be treated like a human. And if you're not getting that treatment, you deserve to go somewhere else and get it. Because at the end of the day, you aren't your sport. You're not, you probably have done it your whole life, but you're not your sport. And you deserve to have care that extends besides, you know, the field or court that you play on. And so I think I just, I would, I would use your voice. I think that's the biggest thing you have student athletes are very fortunate. You have a platform, you get this opportunity. People listen to you, people wanna hear you. And that's the only way we make change. And so for Katie and for all of the other student athletes who have tragically passed or have struggled with this and haven't passed, you know, the only way there is change is if you use your voice and your voice is extremely powerful and coming from a place of, I didn't a voice when I was a kid growing up in gymnastics, I really try to shake every chance that I can get to use it now because it's a very powerful thing. And it, it deserves to be heard and people want to hear it, I think is the biggest thing. People want to hear it. It's not just important.
Speaker 3:Thank you. Mm-hmm<affirmative> so one of the questions that I ask every guest is what keeps them hungry to live. As you know, my show is called hungry to live, ironic that we're talking about eating disorders. I want to know what keeps Sydney hungry to live.
Speaker 4:Oh, there are so many things, but I think you could ask any one of my friends or family. Um, I have massive baby fever. It's been a thing since I've been a very, very small child. I wanna be a NICU nurse. That's what I wanna do for like my career. So it's not only in that way, but I, I just have a heart for that. I, I love nursing. I love science and biology and all of those things about your body. I think it's fascinating. And also there's just something about little tiny humans that makes me so happy. And I think it's interesting that you say that cuz whenever I'm having a really hard day, my treatment team will be like, do you have any baby videos on your phone that you could watch to help distract you? And so I think one thing for me is one my future family. I know that an eating disorder is a thing that can really mess up your fertility, unfortunately. And so I think when I am having really hard days, I know that there are things in my future that I want that if I like really screw my body up now I won't ever be able to have. And so I think for me, that's a big one. I think also my career, I wanna go to grad school for nursing and I've had school taken away in instances because of this. And so I, I really just want to figure out who I am outside of the sport. I think it's something that I never had the opportunity to do and trying to remind myself that it's okay to have down days and rest and relax and enjoy those times of going on a spontaneous state with friends or going on a trip for three days. And I think it, I'm hungry to learn more about myself. That's outside of gymnastics because my coach John at the U of a who that man is the Saint, um, I have very good relationship with him and really admire him. He always told me, which I never was told before, but Sydney, the human Sydney, the athlete, Sydney, the student, every single time I went into his office and told him I needed to do more gymnastics. And I think that's, I've, I've discovered Sydney, the athlete I've discovered Sydney, the student. And I know those two pretty well and I don't know, really know what the other parts hold yet. So that's, I think the biggest thing being that I just graduated a year ago is this kind of time in life to really figure out what the next part of my life is gonna look like.
Speaker 3:That's awesome. Thank you for sharing. Um, so at the end of every episode, I read a poem that I have written for my guest. And I guess I'm gonna have to write another one for you at some point, having you back, all right, here, it goes. Her next event, advocacy no longer uneven bars or floor routine hit this dismount don't eat that always fearing. She would get fat once a college athlete with dreams of first, but her eating habits became rehearsed. Leo tars and skintight clothes. The way they fit her figure. She began to loathe body image and self doubt outweighed anything from a scout counting calories instead of eight counts, excessive exercise to keep down the pounds, depression, anxiety, PTSD, gymnastics was no longer forced Sydney. So thank you so much Sydney for being on the show.
Speaker 4:Thank you so much for having me also that poem is so beautiful.
Speaker 3:I will send it to you.<laugh> what is your, what are your socials?
Speaker 4:So my Instagram is just Sydney underscore Fri in my last name F R E I D I N. And I also have TikTok and I believe it's the same thing or it's just my name together. Um, and that's about all I use, but I definitely am always on Instagram posting stuff about mental health. It's kind of my, my place of release. So if you want more, that's where to go.
Speaker 3:Thank you. And to find me I'm at Hungary dot the number two.live on Instagram and Hungary, the number two live.com. Subscribe to my blog, subscribe to the podcast and thank you so much for listening. Thanks Sydney.
Speaker 4:Thank you. In
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