Hungry2Live
Hungry2Live
H2L Ep. 19 Suicidal Tendencies, Porn and the Journey Inward- Faolan Sugarman-Lash
On today’s episode, Rachel speaks with Faolan. Being bullied, having anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies by 20, Faolan began to retreat and became addicted to porn. This unconventional, less talked about addiction affected his personal and dating life in many ways. For four years, Faolan traveled the world searching for answers. Now an author, coach and podcast host, he helps others flirting with the tantalizing bad habits of escapism.
Faolan.com
No, I
Speaker 2:Don't care,
Speaker 1:But they say I came here to stay
Speaker 2:Through the days. The mercy is wasn't easy kid. He never gave up cuz I, God, God, the darkness turn. The lights
Speaker 3:Name is Rachel. Hi, my name is Rachel. Thanks for tuning into another episode of hungry to live today. I'm speaking with Fain. Fain reached out to me because he loved the idea of what breaking taboos and having conversations openly means to him. So when he had originally reached out, he had told me he had dealt with some anxieties, depression and suicidality. Hi Fain. How are you
Speaker 4:Doing well, thank you for having me.
Speaker 3:Thank you for being here. So I briefly described what you had written in your introduction email, and it was very, very basic in the email and I would love to just kind of get under the surface. So can you please tell the listener a little bit about yourself?
Speaker 4:Sure. Yeah. So my name is Falin. Um, I have kind of been on this journey of rediscovering myself for that was what I was doing for a long time and it all kind of began when I was around 11 years old and I was in middle school and uh, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to have friends. I wanted to feel, uh, heard and seen and cool. And I was just switching from this like little middle school to a bigger one. And so that desire to be seen and known and loved, really loved was the big one which we can get into later. Uh, made me start pretending to be someone who I wasn't. And that was something that I did until I was about 22 and still do, you know, recovering<laugh>. And, um, that was, it led me down this path of feeling really out of touch with myself. And that made me feel a lot of social anxiety. I didn't know how to show up in different situations. Um, it made me run away into different addictions and that was really hard because I didn't want to face the truth, which is that I didn't really know who I was or who I wanted to be. And, um, that led me into depression because I was avoiding my real life. And I think that for me, depression, when not chemical, there's like other kinds of depression, which I like to call spiritual depression, which is being out of touch with my spiritual self or my true self and, um, or rejecting that self really. And that all kind of led me to this point when I was 21, I think, um, and I was standing at this intersection and cars were driving by really fast. And I had been so unhappy with the life that I was living, that this voice just popped into my head and said, if you stepped in front of one of those cars, all your suffering would go away. And that was kind of the big pivot point in my life when I took a step back from the road and didn't move further down into the path of suicidality, which I'm really grateful for. Um, and I know a lot of people do so that's challenging. And if you are one of those people as a listener, there's a lot of good resources, so just Google it and we all love you. And you're here for a reason and big hug for me. Um, but in that moment I took a step back and decided to keep on living. And basically after that, I made this commitment to just live regardless of what happens or what, how it feels. And that led me to need to make a change, right? Because I couldn't abide by living in pain anymore because there was no way out. And so with no way out, I had to start changing the way that I lived my life and how I chose to approach my choices and my decisions, my path. And that has led me to reject the things that I don't want. Like very clearly not go down a corporate path, not go down the thing, the road that everyone else says to go down and instead I have become a life coach and I help people overcome social anxiety and unleash their true selves and um, all in service of helping people out of this place that I was in. And I also, uh, just published a book called why live, which is about my journey through the beautiful and painfulness of life.
Speaker 3:Um, thank you so much for sharing that. I think it's super interesting that you say when you were about 11 years old, you tried to be someone you were not, and you realized you were doing that, but you also realized that that is not what you wanted to be or who you wanted to be. And it's just like this inner fight and this inner struggle, because since you are very in tune with yourself now, and it seems like you were, then you just were probably caught in this cycle of wanting to fit in and wanting to be a kid that just kind of could do the things that all the kids are doing. But you have, you, you are probably an old soul and you were probably connecting to things that other kids your age were not connecting with or connecting to. And so finding your people was probably a challenge and probably still can be a challenge. And I think that is one of the reasons why I've created the show because there are so many people that still in their adult years don't really feel like they fit in because they feel like they've lived a lot of life up until their adult years. And now it's like, oh, now I actually have to do the things that the adults do, but I've been doing those since I was younger because I've been trying to compartmentalize and grow up like a normal kid, but I have all these like larger grandiose ideas and feelings and connections to the world around me. So I just found it interesting when you said that, um, I also wanted to talk about, so your journey, you wrote this book is this where's this book, um, able to be found,
Speaker 4:Um, Amazon Barnes and noble websites. I don't know if it's in physical stores yet, but if it's not go in and ask them for it<laugh> um, but you can find it online.
Speaker 3:Awesome. So you talked about how there were some addictions that this path had led you down. Can you explain what that was like for you and how you got out or how you were able to overcome some of those overpowering feelings, especially when you were caught between this place of knowing what you wanted and not knowing what you wanted and you coped with it with a substance?
Speaker 4:Sure. Yeah. Um, before I jump into that, I just wanna say thank you for your seeing of me. Um, that's always really wonderful. And, um, I also was definitely not a very aware 11 year old<laugh> I think that that came later. Um, so which, you know, goes along with the addiction piece. I think that there, when I was 11, I, uh, basically was trying to run away from this, this, um, sense of separation that I was feeling from society, from my friends, from my family. And it all kind of began when my parents split up when I was eight months old and that kind of like rocked my world. And I grew up in the tension between them and I love my parents. I still have good relationships with both of them, but that was really hard for me and left some trauma and feeling unlovable, unworthy of love. Like that was my fault. And so in middle school, what I really wanted and only kind of recognized later is that I just really wanted to be loved for who I was and who I was, was this like kind of chubby kid who liked playing magic, the gathering and was a nerd. And like didn't really fit in that well to like the typical archetype of what a cool kid is. And so I just started repressing that version of me. And, um, I think that it would've been, not that bad had, um, someone I think had like there been better mental health support for kids, which hopefully will happen soon. But, um, at that point, like I didn't really know where to turn to, or even know how to turn to, to ask for help. Right. Like asking for help is something I'm just really, really learning as an adult. So addictions, um, kind of came into play for me as a place where I could go when I was feeling scared or unseen or unworthy or, um, any bad emotion I could turn to what for me became really addicting, which was porn. And I discovered it totally by accident as a kid, you know, just like Googling stuff, being curious and like really innocent, honestly, at that point. And then very quickly discovered like the dark side of the internet and was just like, oh my God. And there's this thing called escalation in addiction. And especially with porn addiction, where what once was enough to provide you with satisfaction is no longer enough. And so you have to search out like more and more intense stuff. And that was happening to me at 13 or 14 years old. And so when I would get home and I wouldn't feel great about my day or, or I didn't feel like I fit in, and none of this was conscious, like it's only in retrospect, but I look at this. I was really in a fog for that entire time for almost all of my teenage years. Um, but what I would get home or be home or whatever, and I would just watch porn and it, it perpetuated this cycle of suffering that I call, um, I call it suffering as opposed to pain. And so for me, there's a really big differentiation between suffering and pain. And I think that suffering is when we have pain or trauma, which is like old pain. And then we run away from it, into these cycles of suffering, which are often perpetuated by addictions that we have. So that lasted a long time. Um, and really honestly like messed me up in a lot of ways in terms of like how I saw women and how I felt like I fit into society. And I never got to like date in high school or figure that out really. And then I went to college and didn't drink before college and then was in college and discovered alcohol. And that was like its own new addiction that I dove into. And then I like went from being a chubby middle schooler to a six foot to pretty attractive young man and drinking in college and then poor and evolved into hookups and hookups evolved into like, not treating people very well and not really consciously again, but it was just this like big escape from myself. And then I started like taking more and more classes and I was doing really well in school. And that was like fulfilling that external validation piece. And so I was really doing well according to society, but on the inside, I was not happy. And that all built up to this point where I was just like overflowing with discontent for my life. And that led to this one night where I went and sat on these monkey bars at my school and just had this big panic attack. And I had never had a panic attack before. And it, my breath like came and went really fast and I felt like I was, you know, falling apart and also tensing. And it was just really intense. And then the question that popped into my head is like, why am I alive? And I realized that I didn't know, I didn't have an answer. And what I really also realized in that moment was that I didn't want to be living my life. And it wasn't that I, I wanted to be dead. It just, I didn't wanna be living my life that I was living. And so that was the start of the healing process for me. I was having this big like realization and then that led me to take time off from school, quit a job. I didn't like traveled to Southeast Asia by myself for six weeks, used my savings to do that. Um, and start like telling myself new stories about who I am and why I am here. Um, but I was still watching porn through all of this as like a numbing agent for the pain that I was still experiencing. And for being in school, doing something I didn't really love. And it wasn't until I went to Ghana as in between my junior and senior year of college. And I had been trying to quit watching porn for a while because my first girlfriend was like, you should probably not do that. And I was like, whatever, this is, I like porn. And, you know, went through that whole denial phase and then eventually got to a point where I realized all of the negative things that it was doing to me and to the world and how it's like really not a good thing that happens. And, you know, it perpetuates a lot of violence and misogyny and sexism. And so it helped me get to the point where I could really click and be so fed up with myself that I just stopped and I stopped for two years. And then, um, last summer was feeling so like out of touch with myself, um, and panicky about my future after I finished writing my book that I relapsed and started watching again. And I think it's really important as a, an addict cuz once an addict, always an addict to talk about relapses and, and be open about that because as much as it would be great to quit and be done, it's like, no, you quit. And then you have to stay quit every day of your life for the rest of your life. And so I watched it here and again for a while, and then only about a, a little over a month ago, did I stop again for, and now I'm like really wanna be done<laugh> for the rest of my life. And so, and already, I just like when watching porn, there's this like subtle disconnect from my life and what I want. Um, and I think that's true across the board with addictions. Like they take us out of ourselves and from out of who we really are. So I know that was a really long answer, but feel free to ask whatever you want.
Speaker 3:No, thank you so much for sharing that. And you are so welcome for having me see you. I mean, I, I don't really, there's no place for me to pass judgment on anyone's story. Anyone's experience anyone's journey because we all have it and we all have one. And that's the beauty is that some people are, are at a point in their journey where they, they can talk about it openly and freely and others are still dealing with it and processing it and not understanding why they're still part of it or still into it. And you brought up a really good point. Like you have to quit it every day. And, um, when I was in my recovery for my eating disorder, um, I w I actually wore a ring that said, take it one day at a time because you have, that's what you have to do. You actually have to take it literally one minute at a time, because minute to minute, like something can trigger you and you can just change. And you could just be like, I'm gonna numb out. Now I'm gonna do what was comfortable for me to escape from whatever I'm doing. And I mean, yes, addiction is, it's something that is innately inside of you. And you have to have the awareness enough. If you want to get better and be present in your life, that you have to make those conscious choices over and over again on a daily basis to be present. And for those who are able to live their life and go about their life without having to worry about addiction, like it's, I would love to know what that's like. Like I really would, because part of the addiction itself is what's causing the anxiety and the depression, which then that cycle continues. And then you wanna numb out again, because then you're like, oh my gosh, why am I in this? Why am I feeling like this? I can do this again and it'll feel better, but then I'm gonna actually feel worse. And it's just this constant, constant, like song in your head. And when you start having it under control, it feels so much better because then you're present in all of your life. And I wanna say, it's amazing that you can actually pinpoint that it started at 11 years old for you. And, um, that there was an actual, like, I don't wanna say end point the first time, but there was something that clicked in you. Do you know what it was that clicked in you?
Speaker 4:Yeah. Great question. And no,<laugh> like, not really. Um, I, I would love to be able to say yes to that question, but I think that it's just a choice. Like it comes down to not wanting to be that way anymore. Um, there were a lot of influencing factors and it came down to having tried to quit a ton of times and seeing how it was affecting myself and like my relationships or my capacity to have relationships. But I honestly didn't even have the perspective to know how it was affecting me until I wasn't doing it anymore. And not just for like a month, but a year and a half out. And then I looked back and realized how much it was affecting me. And so, um, no.
Speaker 3:What are some resources or, um, what kind of routines did you do to help you sustain that recovery process? Did you go to therapy? Did you talk to someone?
Speaker 4:Yeah, so I did not go to therapy in college, but I am in therapy now. I think it's very helpful. If one is able to find a therapist who resonates, um, and, uh, there's a lot of practices, but I'm hesitant to talk about the, just the practices, cuz I think that there has to be a bigger meaning or per like not purpose, but just there has to be something deeper that shifts it's not just about, you know, waking up early or working out or anything because any of those practices that we want or habits that we want is gonna fall off. If we don't have some kind of deeper, um, motivation calling desire, belief shift, uh, valued shift, whatever. And I think that change really only happens at that deep level. And then the external factors, which are really the habits are kind of a byproduct of interchange. So that's just my belief. Um, but on the other hand, doing the practices like journaling therapy, meditation, um, exercise, just taking space for yourself, going on walks, any of those things can help create the space to go inside and make the inside shifts. So it's kind of like a, in the same way that when we are addicted to something, it leads to this unworthiness and shame spiral doing it the other way, doing the habits, leads to the space, understand who we are, which leads to the shift on the inside, which leads to better habits. So it's like, there's that, that metaphor of there, we have two wolves inside of us and which one do we decide to feed? And that's really like the question in every moment, there's like the dark Wolf or the white Wolf. Right. So
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, you can see it above me. I have a yinging on my neck. I have a, yinging like, it's finding that balance at any given time and trying to just figure out where you stand within that moment in your day in your life. And it is true and there's always especially dealing with addiction and just as a human being going through. I mean, you can even just take COVID, there's so much that we need to reframe our thinking around because there are extremes on all ends of the spectrum.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Can I jump in and say something? Yes. Cool. I just wanted to touch on addiction as a general concept because I think it's often thought about as like alcoholism or like hard drug addiction, but I believe that almost all of us are addicted to something, whether it's like social media or working or external validation or ex like over exercising or eating, right. Like that we all have these subtle ways, like you said to numb out. And I think that that's, what's really important to focus on. It's not focusing on the particular substance, but what are the times in your life that you feel like you are numbing out to your reality and then pause and say, why am I numbing out to this reality and sit in that and sit in that and sit in that and sit in that and then grow right? And like make the choice. And I think that cultivating that presence of mind and that space to wait is just like the most powerful thing that you can do in, in life.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And thank you for bringing that up. It's it's so true. You can be addicted to anything, even if society does not deem it as addiction worthy or whatever, you can, 100% be addicted to something and not realize or call it that like for those who are addicted to work and will run from whatever's happening in their home to go and just bury themselves in work. They're not burying themselves in work because they want to work. Like let's be real. We would rather all have a fun personal life. But if you're doing work 24 7, you are running from something like there is a, that's why you have boundaries. And as you are going through recovery, you learn about boundaries<laugh> yes. And you really need to, you know, have book ends on your days. You need to have certain things. So thank you so much for bringing that up because that's not talked about a lot. So you are an authenticity coach and I am very taken by this term authenticity coach. Um, you hear of life coaches, self help coaches. How exactly do you label yourself and like authenticity coach as opposed to any of those other kinds of coaches?
Speaker 4:Yeah. So this is something that honestly, I'm still in the discovery process around, like what do I wanna call myself? Because it's so hard to encapsulate everything that I do with my clients in one term, you know, like I work people work with people on their sexuality and I work with people on their relationship to work and their relationship to relationships and their relationship with themselves. Right? So there's all of these different things that I work on with clients, but ultimately what it comes down to is who are you being and who, how do you figure out who you are? Um, and I think that that is a really powerful question to ask yourself. And one that people can then overthink about too much, which is like where I sometimes land. Um, and I think that it's really important to when it comes to authenticity, quote, unquote authenticity for each person to figure out their own definition of what that means. And, um, that comes down to values that comes down to identity that comes down to what your definition of success is and like how you're moving towards that. So I think that, um, there are a lot of different terms and I don't necessarily feel like this is the end point of what I'm gonna call myself in life, but, uh, it works for now. And, um, the word coach is also just really interesting. It's like people know what it is because of the industry that's built around it, but people also don't know what it is too. So I think that there's some work to be done in terms of just being known rather for what I'm called than for the impact I have. And I think that that's like long term where I'd like to be, you know, if people can identify me based on, oh my God, my cousin like heard your podcast or read your book and it changed his life in this way. Like people will know associate me with the impact as opposed to the title or the brand and that I think it would be really awesome.
Speaker 3:So you, you talk about how you are still on your journey as all of us are. Does that impact how you approach your coaching or how you work with your clients?
Speaker 4:Yeah, that's a good question. It's really like nuanced. Um, I think it's so important as a coach or a writer or someone who's trying to inspire or change others or the world to be real about what I'm still working on. Um, I think that for a while in this journey, I thought that I needed to be this perfect person. And then I realized, and that was how I was portraying myself in the world. But I realized that by trying to do that, I was leading people to believe that it was possible to be perfect and what a terrible thing to do when so many of my clients are perfectionist, you know? And so it was this kind of self sabotaging cycle. And so now I think it's really powerful to show up and own my limits and also own my strengths, right? So my battle with depression or my battle with addiction, or not necessarily knowing what to call myself, like those things matter in my life, but they don't necessarily affect my ability to show up and be an amazing coach. And if anything, like being aware and, and humble, I hope enough to name my own limits and insecurities and stuff, I think helps me show up with a lot of compassion and empathy for my clients. And I, one of the, the things that people say in my presence more than anything else is that they just don't feel judged. They feel very safe to be who they are to say whatever they're feeling. And so that, um, is really important to me. And I think is maybe my superpower as a coach.
Speaker 3:Well, thank you for sharing that. Um, so now is the time that I ask you as you know, my show is called hungry to live and I want to know what keeps you hungry to live.
Speaker 4:Hmm. Can I say ravenous<laugh> I really, um, this word ravenous for life is something that I talk about with my clients actually. So I really liked your, the name of your show. Cause I'm like, oh, that's, that's what I think. Um, and it, for me is this kind of polar opposite to, I don't want my life. I don't wanna be alive. I don't know why I'm here to, I want my life, I am alive and I still don't necessarily know why I'm here. And it's just like bringing, moving from darkness to levity and the sense of joy. Um, and that like, this is it, you know, once I'm dead, I'm dead. I don't believe in reincarnation. I don't believe in the afterlife. So this is it. You know, this is my one shot to literally live and I want to experience every moment of it as fully as I can.
Speaker 3:Awesome. Um, I wanted to say when I was first reading information about you, you said you were really excited to talk about stigmas and taboos and you knew all about them. And I have to say in the short time that we've been talking like, yes, you know, from your journey, you know, the stigmas and taboos that you've been through, and I can tell how successful you are with your clients, because you're so open and humbled to even say that you can tell your clients where you are in your process. And I think that's what makes a really good coach because transparency is key, but not just being transparent, being honest, like there's, those are two completely different things. And I think a lot of people are lacking honesty and honesty when working with someone who is going through something specifically, life changing, um, like you need to be working with somebody. Who's not only honest with them, but honest with themself. So on behalf of your clients, thank you.<laugh>
Speaker 4:Yeah. I mean, I couldn't call myself an authenticity coach if I weren't authentic.<laugh>
Speaker 3:You've got a point there. Um, where can people find you?
Speaker 4:Yeah. So my Instagram is at Fain and my name is F a O L a N. Um, I am on TikTok at F FAO dot L a N and my website is Fain FAO, L a n.com.
Speaker 3:Awesome. And if anyone is interested in subscribing to my shows, subscribing to my blog, you can find me at Hungary, the number two live.com. You can also find me on Instagram at Hungary, um, dot the number who.live on Instagram. And now is the time where I write, I read a poem that I wrote for my guests. So here is a poem for you. Deep discovery plagued with depression, addiction, and suicidality, the beautiful and painful mess of learning to love life. Despite the challenges and stress getting up every time, even when feeling it was the end of the line, aligning himself on his journey in order to help himself its others. He is serving, sharing his story and breaking stigmas. He has so much to offer and discuss nomadic author and successful in his own right. Fain shines his newfound light. Thank you Fain for being on my show.
Speaker 4:That was such a gift. Thank you.
Speaker 3:You you're welcome.
Speaker 4:And being here also is a gift
Speaker 3:<laugh> well, thank you
Speaker 5:In the right place, in the wrong way, down on my luck there with days had to switch it up, make it okay. So I gave up on race, learn from a days, still got town ever too late.
Speaker 1:I
Speaker 5:Don't care,
Speaker 1:But they,
Speaker 5:I
Speaker 1:Came here to stay
Speaker 5:Through
Speaker 2:The days the most years. It wasn't L again, he never gave up Kaza God through the darkness, through the tears, turn the lights off face. My fear never gave up KA.
